I don’t want to forget her

three months ago

i dont want to forget her..
in my life, forgetting is too easy.. i treat each segment as past. as a memory.
i was so sure. i am so sure. i know that what i feel is real.
i know that what i had was real. she gave herself to me..
but something in her was always scared, terrified.
i dont want to forget her. i dont want to forget the moments
when she opened and we made love, through hope and fear, the visible, and the nistar.
i dont want to forget her. the soft skin beneath my fingertips, every inch, every curve, feeling her
beneath me, above me, beside me, within me, feeling her skin merge with my own til i could feel her soul
throbbing against mine.
perhaps we pushed fate, and asked to be together. our souls, pulled together by our deep-felt love and the power of will, bonded.. began to take hold of each other and join tenderly, carefully.. the beginning of an eternal union.
i know. i feel it in the ache that hurts beyond the physical. my soul aches.. the bonds have been severed, pulling our souls apart.
but i dont want to forget.
perhaps we forced fate.
but i love her.
her life force moved me.
i am already beginning to forget.
i miss her energy. her gentle touch.. her hands, resting lightly upon me. eyes that saw worlds, looking into mine.
she joined me and we rose. through fear we fell. each time, fallen from light into darkness, climbing awkwardly back into the light, searching for each other again.
i will miss her. i wanted to raise children with her, bring light into the world.
i will miss making love to her in the moments when boundaries melted..
to know love such as this is a blessing.
her smell. her breath. her love. her soul. her spirit. her darkness and her light. her eyes that took me in and enveloped me when we trusted each other.
her energy and her strength. even her deep weakness.
i know that i love her.
i know that my soul bound itself to hers. through my will. through her will. through ours.
i know that i am torn now and must heal.
i know that the ache in my heart is less than the ache in my soul.
i do not want to forget what it is to Know.
I Know.
Such is the path fate has decided
and we were not strong enough to resist.


“I see the sun’s in the east and the moon reflects..” badu

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009 at 5:00pm

I woke up this morning exhausted but with a smile.

Time flies by so quickly that I find it hard to place myself firmly in this churning river of stories and undercurrents, pulling me every which way. I wonder sometimes about the stories that make up our sense of self.. the images in our minds that combine to give us a sense of identity, presence, and being.

…I ask “why?”

Every story takes me into a newly created reality, a new step; but then i inevitably remember that there is nothing new under the sun.. matter is neither created nor destroyed.. energy recycles itself into images, tastes, and sounds that mesh together into some sort of massive conglomerate of endless buzzing stories.

I feel them left and right.
Up and down. Multidimensional. Zooming past me..

I look into the faces of friends and strangers and it’s as if i can hear all their emotions gathered up behind them, in the air around them, talking a million miles per second in a chaotic frenzy. Even the voices that are silent weigh heavily and bludgeon a dark, powerful path.

Sometimes i awake and question everything i know with my own silent voice..
A choking pain seizes my chest, grips my body, and holds me forcefully still.

In that moment, that terrifying moment of Existence fragmenting in my mind, a deep knowing rises from my gut and spills forth into my body.. arms and legs, slowly making its way up until it reaches my eyes.

The buzzing quiets..

And I am reminded to love.

There is no reason in this world. We have to cleanse ourselves somehow in the madness.